Cambridge vs. London

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh,

If you asked me do I like Cambridge more or London more, I probably won't have a definite answer for it because the feeling is not for the place, but more to the people living there. Obviously I have been living in Cambridge way longer than London, logically Cambridge should be my home in UK. Now that I am staying in London for a few days, practically doing nothing importantly special which I have to do it in London (I can do my work in Cambridge too), I don't feel that I miss Cambridge or urgently want to get home. I don't know if there is anyone there missing me, I wish not.

I am supposed to be in Cambridge this week to help and attend EIW (Experience Islam Week), the major event in ISOC, yet, I came to London to see these beautiful (zahir & batin) sisters of mine, who can always give me such a great relief and comfort, just by seeing them or be around them. Yes, I am very stressed at the moment that I have to run away from Cambridge to find peace in my mind and heart. I know that I can find it in London because these sisters are here. If I want to talk to them, it is sufficient for me to call them and hear their voice, but that is not the same at all compares to seeing them. I don't know why and can't explain how, probably I am just a stubborn soul whose heart is not going to be contented by just one type of sense. Selfish? I don't know. I took away their time so that they can entertain me, take my grief away, but in turn, do I do anything good to them? May ALLAH forgive me and grant them reward and barakah in their time.

Do all these historical tourist spots in London (e.g., Big Ben, London Bridge, Buckingham Palace, British Museum, etc.) appeal to be attractive to me? They probably are but I won't want to go there for the sake of just going there to see things, I want to go with people that I would like to spend time with. I think maybe it is this stubborn idea that makes my heart not attaches to the place, rather the people there. The monuments will always be there though the exhibitions may change but the people will not always be there. This idea of ever-changing of humans drives me a bit crazy. Knowing the fact that I am not going to be long in UK and won't have the opportunity to meet these lovely sisters here as frequent as I like, I don't know what to do but keep telling myself not to think about it. Leaving Malaysia is not the same feeling because I know that I will eventually go back and see them. Leaving UK... don't even want to think about it.

I wish that my heart can be stronger to just attach to ALLAH, the One, the Ever-lasting, the Never-changing, the Static. I wish that it is enough for me to say and up-hold the belief that HasbiyALLAHU wa ni'ma al-Wakil thumma tawakkaltu 'alALLAH (period). It is just too difficult for me to do it. Not to say that I don't have any of these qualities, it is just that I don't think I have enough to at least come to a stressless state, where I can leave things to ALLAH totally. Yes, I have tied my camel, but I still feel that I need to keep an eye on it once in a while. I really question myself of how much reliance and attachment that I put in myself and the rest around me to ALLAH. I care for others and want the best for them, but am the best that I want is really the best that ALLAH wants them to have? Is loosing the camel a better thing for me? Probably it can be a good thing so that I don't get attached to the camel anymore and can get on my life with a new car (?).

Life is such an irony. But I guess we have to try to strive to achieve a balance. That's why it has been mentioned over and over again in the Qur'an that we are the people of the middle-way, we are not asked to exceed any of the extremes but should strive a balance in our lives. Probably for now, that is my jihad. Pray hard and work hard but never fail to rely on ALLAH and accept every good and bad thing is pre-planned by ALLAH and take it as the best that HE wants us to have. Yes, if I do this and do that, thing might be better but can I think that by NOT doing this and that thing will also be better?

ALLAHU'alam.

May ALLAH guide and help us all. Amin.

Wassalam.

p/s: Every piece of Earth is ALLAH's creation, why bother comparing them? Every human is ALLAH' creation, why bother comparing them too??? Learn to accept them all, Fatin!